On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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