Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
