there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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