just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
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