ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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