do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She even gives head with a lisp.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
