dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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