today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
