chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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