Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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