No stitches, just platelets and will power
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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