I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
