my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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