Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
