She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I want a musical about memes.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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