Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
