dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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