he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
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She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
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She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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