Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
