hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
