last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
His nipple licking is glorious
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