New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
