My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
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Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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