I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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