I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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