before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
