Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
