so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
