you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The adults are the big ones right?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
