he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
