oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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