That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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