I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I didn't notice because vodka
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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