you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
