doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize