I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
