I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
