I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
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There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
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I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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