The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
