Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
