I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
