You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
