I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
