whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
