and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
