I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
