I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
