apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
