She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
