What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
