And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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