woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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