I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
